Some of you more astute readers may have noticed that in the last few days there has been nothing in the way of updates, and, as usual, there has been a good reason for this: My own inability to transfer components from one motherboard to another has resulted in a lack of a working computer and also me feeling really quite stupid. I had to eventually cart the damn thing off to the shop, but not before spending too long noodling around with it and trying to get it to work.
Now, you may remember that the last time such a thing happened, I needed to take additional steps to ensure that I would not see decreased productivity, and built myself a golem. The results were not quite what I had been hoping for - he isn’t much for household chores, and he is in the habit of having sex with my oven. I have also been quite unable to unload Ovenfucker Feinberg on anyone, and so he more or less just sits around my house, casting furtive glances at the oven until I go out. I’ve taken him to a shrink in the past, but as he does not, strictly speaking, have a brain, we weren’t able to make much progress. There was, however, one insight we figured out, which was that it’s entirely possible that Ovenfucker’s lack of productivity and habit of screwing appliances stem from a deep loneliness brought on by the fact that there are no other golems for him to talk to, and as I am soft and pink and have hair, he can’t relate to me. Which seemed to make a whole lot of sense at the time, although maybe I was just willing to accept any answer that came along because it sure didn’t explain why ovens and nothing else. But hey. I wasn’t thinking that way, at the time.
I imagine that I am not the first person to wonder how to make a companion for a golem, and the answer is a pretty obvious one - make another golem. Which turned out to be a little more difficult than it initially sounded, because Golem World appears to have closed, or at least relocated, since last time I was there. You’d think there would be an excess of demand for soulless clay automatons in the greater Boston area, but apparently not. I saw this as no serious hindrance, though, and why should I? I like to think of myself as a DIY sort of person. And since I’ve probably seen too many horror movies, I came to the decision that his companion should be female. Very Elsa Lanchester, don’t you think?
The effort mostly involved getting what body parts I could from the very patient and understanding butcher down the street, and more or less winging it as far as the rest went. Some hotwiring here, some Legos here, some stitching and Saran Wrap there - I’m thinking of patenting this part of the process, so I will not be too specific. The end result was pretty much what I’d hoped, except for the fact that she was lifeless and also, well, I guess if you were being conservative you could call her a mockery of God’s creation. Maybe I did something wrong along the way, Tab A into Slot B or something, I don’t know.
As you may know, I am into names - I feel that a fitting name is an important aspect of any creation, and as the lifeless, soulless eyes of Ovenfucker’s companion-to-be regarded me (because I pointed her head towards me), I thought up the only possible name for her.
Her name was Abominationella.
It seemed to fit - not only was it feminine, but it also conveyed the distinctly unsettling feeling one got when looking at this patchwork monstrosity. I would say that I had a bit of the old craftsman’s pride when looking at her, but really she mostly inspired me to get a pitchfork and/or torch and end her hellish existence. But I didn’t, because she was supposed to keep Ovenfucker company. I figured it’d be a nice surprise for him, and it’s not like he’d walk into my room and find out about her, because the oven is in the kitchen. The final touch was yet to come, though - I needed to breathe life into her. Although it’s been drizzling pretty heavily in Allston of late, there’s been little in the way of lightning and such, so I had to improvise a bit. The neighbors looked at me funny when I hooked the jumper cables to her nipples, but I never really talk to them much anyway, so fuck them.
I would like to report that the activation of Abominationella was a swimming success and that she came to graceful life, but I guess Murphy’s Law is always in full effect, because rather than taking her first halting steps as a newly alive creature, Abominationella began screaming and vomiting up what appeared to be ichor (I did not, I would like to point out, fill her with ichor) and her right eye popped out of her skull and landed on the pavement, where it immediately began sizzling and then appeared to hatch and a bunch of snakes came out of it. And Ovenfucker didn’t notice, although I think he may have turned his head some, for a second.
Which brings me to where I am now. In addition to my computer woes, I am having a certain degree of difficulty with my car. See, the only time Abominationella even acknowledges my presence is when I try to unhook the jumper cables from the car battery and she slaps my hand away. I’m not really sure how there is even still a charge left in the damn thing, but there you go. Another problem here is that she has been screaming and vomiting constantly for nearly twenty-four hours now and shows no signs of slowing down on either front. She hasn’t even stopped to breathe, and it’s a little late for me to check her and see if I included lungs. On top of all this, the police stopped by my joint and told me she was breaking noise ordinances, was committing indecent exposure, and also I guess there’s some blue law in Boston about making a creature that is an affront to all that is good and decent and sane in this world, so there was a pretty annoying fine to deal with as well.
Once again, I have failed to get any real use out of Ovenfucker, and I am now on my third oven in almost as many months. I guess if there is anyone who feels they might have some use or need for a lazy golem that fucks ovens or possibly a hellish shrieking abomination in the eyes of God and man, let me know. Ideally, they would be sold as a set, but I am not picky about this.
Some of you may have noticed there was no update yesterday - there was a reason for this. You see, I had some computer trouble the other day, namely that my hard drive died on me. Admittedly, this was probably my fault, as I had gotten some parts on the cheap and it turned out that the place I had bought the initial hard drive from was in the habit of selling used parts without telling its customers. So no more buying from them, and I went out and got a new hard drive. Hooray for that, but as tends to be the case, there were complications, and as such I was not able to update this site last night. All should be well, up and running, by tonight though. Hopefully.
In the meantime, I am hard at work on my home computer and consequently, have little time for other things. Since I’m proactive like that, I figured that now would be a good time to look into some labor-saving devices, something that would free me up to restore my computer to what it was. Well, as I am not exactly rich but still more or less solvent, I couldn’t very well hire a butler or anything along those lines. So I decided I should go and get a golem.
You’d be surprised, honestly, how easy it was. I’m not sure where the idea had come to me initially, but I imagine it had something to do with the fact that Brookline, which is more or less adjacent to the town I live in, is a largely Jewish community, and maybe I was walking past one of the shops or delis or something, but somewhere in there, the idea hit me. The real trick to it would be, I thought, finding the appropriate place to begin learning how to build one, but as it turned out there’s a place right up the street called GOLEM WORLD which I guess I never noticed before. I went in and was waited on by some very nice, polite and understanding people - I would recommend Golem World to anyone who is interested in building a large clay humanoid. They set me up with one of their more cost-effective packages, gave me the instructions, and I was on my way.
So last night, I unpacked the kit which turned out to be just some paper and instructions, things like that. The first hurdle, I could tell, would be the first thing in the ingredients list, which was “A FUCKLOAD OF CLAY.” Maybe in the olden days, a giant pile of clay was easier to come by, but not anymore, and I could tell this was going to be a problem. Eventually, I ran off to the pharmacy nearby which has a little arts and crafts section, and I bought all the modeling clay I could find. I mean, the ingredients didn’t say anything about using Plasticine, so I figured I’d be in the good. This may or may not have been a mistake, I’m not really so sure. Either way, the total amount of clay bought wound up being only enough to make the golem’s forearm and hand. Despairing slightly, I returned to Golem World where they were nice enough to give me a good deal on the remaining amount of clay I would need. I managed to lug the pile home and finally finished my creation, who looked pretty authentic except for his rainbow-colored right hand. But hey, what the hell.
I guess it’s supposed to be something of a trade secret, the process of transforming a man-shaped pile of clay into a walking man-thing servant, so I probably shouldn’t go into it here. I will say, though, that you’ll be wanting to do it in a well-ventilated area. At any rate, it was done, and I probably cut a few more corners than I really should have - for one thing, there’s a bit of paper you’re supposed to write things on and put in their head but, as you might know, I do not know a damn word of Hebrew, so this was an obstacle. I guess I kind of improvised a little, I mean they provided some sample things to write and I don’t know that I got them all exactly perfect.
At first I figured nothing was wrong, I mean he was a little lopsided in his gait sometimes but he seemed perfectly functional. The next step was to give him a name, and that proved difficult. Since I wanted my golem to be proud of his Jewish heritage, I knew he would need a Jewish-sounding last name, and I was sort of pondering this when suddenly there was a crash in the kitchen. I rushed in, just in time to see that my golem had knocked some glasses over and was now in the process of trying to have sex with my oven.
This threw me for a loop for numerous reasons, not the least of which was that I had not made him anatomically correct but it seemed that in the time I was lost in thought regarding what to name him, he had grabbed some of the extra clay and built himself a fairly sizable penis. Inasmuch as I got to look at it, I also noticed that it was circumcised, which I suppose makes sense. Mostly I just sort of stood there, though, and watched him make clumsy attempts at coupling with my goddamn oven. I wasn’t really sure if it was possible for him to climax and I didn’t see any testicles but either way, I snapped to my senses and yelled at him to stop fucking my oven and do as he was told. Which he did, for a bit, but kept furtively making longing glances at my now-dented oven.
At the very least, I decided that he now would have a name, since nothing else came to mind. I named my golem Ovenfucker Feinberg, which more or less met the requirements I had laid out in my own head. To be honest, I had really been hoping that he would have saved me lots of work and maybe we could have had some life-affirming adventures in which he not only learns how to be human but teaches me a thing or two in the process. This, however, is not the case, because while he does do odd jobs around the house, he is very bad at them, often breaks things, and starts having sex with my oven whenever I am not looking.
So if you, or anyone you know, has any use whatsoever for a large clay man that seems to be obsessed with fucking ovens, let me know. I would be more than happy to have Ovenfucker taken off my hands. If you do, I suggest you maybe keep around an oven you haven’t much use for. Because, uh. He fucks ovens.